Things I think are stupid #2

I realize that living in a foreign country, though still a Western and wealthy country, I must be open to differences in lifestyle and food, etc. - no matter how obvious or subtle... but one thing that has bugged me from day one of living here are the toilets. What about the toilets, you are wondering? Well I'm not in Australia, so the water flushes the same way as it does in the good ol' USA.

My problem with the Dutch toilets, and I hear it is this way with many European toilets, is'... The Ledge. Let me explain. You know in our cozy, superior American toilets, we have a nice big bowl of water into which our bid'nis is taken care of? Here - there's no big bowl of tap water that sometimes pleasantly splashes back. There is the Ledge: when you piss and/or shit it splashes, plops, flops, etc. etc.... onto a flat porcelain surface. Can you picture it yet?

Here, let's provide a scenario: You feel a healthy shit coming on, and so you make your way to the nearest toilet only to be faced, once more, with a ledge. You think to yourself, "How am I going to deal with it this time?" You sit down, and let'er rip knowing full well that when that log has completely left your butt, or you decide to pinch it off with your sphincter, it will just sit there on the ledge as if it were lying on the beach oiling itself up for a tan. When you're all done, you look back at it in disgust (ok, I know for a fact 95% of you check your shit before you flush). Luckily, having wiped your ass the toilet paper you used covers up a portion of it, but you gotta flush. Depending on the toilet, there's a rip cord (no joke) or a button (which is ALWAYS concealed for some reason, which is why you find yourself only going to bathrooms where you know how to flush) for that purpose. Water rushes through your feces and into the small oraface into which everything should go into. But sometimes, shit can be a little stubborn, and you wonder, "Is my shit going to actually make it through the flush?" as the seemingly strong current of water is helpless in pushing your digested meat 'n potatoes.

Is this enough for you?.. Didn't think so: so often times you have to flush twice, but every so often your fecal matter will make a mad dash at the end and make it before the water stops streaming through. PHEW, right?... well unfortunately, either way, you have another problem. There is always a stain on the toilet. Think about it, your shit is just laying there in no water for just enough time for some of it to stick to the porcelain. Luckily, every bathroom in Holland is equipped with a brush with which you can wipe your shit stains from the toilet.

So can you understand my frustration? It's not something you get used to... it's something that upsets you more and more every time you have to take a dump. I've been here for over 6 weeks now, so I've probably shat a good 20 times and it never gets easier. The worst is the morning after you eat Mexican food, or if you chugged a whole 1 liter carton of milk on a dare... Use your imagination.